Just call me On-Star

My best friend has the worst sense of direction in the history of the world. He can barely find his way out of his driveway, not to mention follow any actual directions. 

He’s on a road trip to visit his sister in Pennsylvania. He asked if I could be on hand tonight to help him if (when) he gets lost.

He made it within two miles of her house before he called me and said “I’m a little bit lost.” He wasn’t lost at all. He was exactly where he was supposed to be, but he was wigging so asked me to talk him through it. 

The problem is that his attention span is also non-existent. He can only take one command at a time. So when I say “take a right and then an immediate left” it’s too much for his brain to handle, and he just takes a left, sending him in the wrong direction. 

Then he gets mad at me when he has to turn around. “You told me to turn left.” Nope. Try again. 

I give him a simple task. Turn left onto this road. He’s still fighting with me about what I told him to do in the first place so he doesn’t hear this, even though I’ve said it four times and misses the turn AGAIN. 

So he turns around again. He’s giving me arbitrary roads he’s passing as landmarks. I finally snapped. NOTHING ELSE MATTERS, JUST TURN RIGHT ONTO 320.

After one final snafu, which resulted because he couldn’t tell me the name of the road on the intersection and whether or not he was going under the highway, I got him to his destination. 

We were on the phone for 22 minutes. To get him to go two fucking miles. If I can get him to his destination, I can help anyone. BRB, applying for a job at Tom Tom.